Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I want a Jetpac

Someday, a Jetpac will carry me away

I'm feeling a little better than I was this morning -- mentally -- although now I'm really urpy.

A friend of mine from back home just sent me an article detailing the USA Network's plans to release "32 Candles," a sequel to the popular and well-aged Molly Ringwald vehicle "16 Candles." I have come up with the far simpler notation of 2(16C) to refer to the sequel from now on, to help you understand the relationship between the first and second movies.

You might be tempted to see this movie, in the hopes that Long Duck Dong will still be up to his mad-cap Asiany wackiness, or that Anthony Michael Hall is NOT a puffy, tortured soul who can see bad things happening in the future instead of merely spittling up his night brace, shouting things in a squeaky voice, and hooking up with the prom queen. If you're like me, or actually are me, then you'd be tempted to watch it in the white-knuckled hope that Joan Cusak will be wearing the same stiff-neck brace, which is the single most hilarious piece of medical technology ever devised.

Don't hold your breath -- or if you already are, then you can go ahead and stop. See, when I was recovering from my recent ACL reconstruction, i was confined to a room whose TV got 10 channels, one of them being USA Network. USA is home to the popular kicking-and-hitting show "Walker: Texas Ranger." Now, I'm no Televisionist; but I'm thinking that the minds that devised "Walker: Texas Ranger," though they have perfected the art of punchfighting in tight dungarees, might have a harder time getting their arms around a subject as delicate and nuanced as 2(16C). They're just going to fuck it up. If you need further proof, take this quote from one of the head writers:

"Our goal is to pay homage to as many of the original characters as possible"

In my experience, when it comes to movie sequels, to "pay homage to" really means to "use as toilet paper." So anyway, i was sickened by the news -- it gave me an awful feeling that started just above my whole groinus region, and ended somewhere right below my breatherinos.

You'd think that by now, the year 2003, the so-called "Future," we'd have Jetpac technology -- or the more sporty alternative, Rocketpants. We'd probably have so many bodies down in the first month it'd look like a human meteor shower, naturally, but it's better than what we've got now -- "32 fucking Candles."